Tuesday, May 15, 2012

My first time story: Laughing gas

  "Okay. What is this? And what is this?" Peggie pointed out one finger and danced it like a worm, and then did the same with the other four fingers.
  We were sitting around a table messed with McDonald's Family Dinner box. Four burgers, nuggets, fries, two deserts, and three gas water all without paying a single cent. Black had kindly offered some of RM50 voucher, since all of us are generously broke. Not anyone brought more than RM5. Except me. I had RM11 with me. RM1 which was really mine, and the rest was from Black. He bought the bracelets I forced him to buy. That was kind of him, for supporting me. Since the bazaar I joined yesterday wasn't really a success. Counting in the loss of money to a clamping fine, and Mother's Day's present I bought for mum, what left in my pocket wasn't really that much.
  "Worm?" Black tried. Peggie and her brother, Jack shook their head. And Peggie faced me, wanting my guess.
  "If I were Black, I would answer, Penis." I joked. But I guess that wasn't really a good joke, cause no one laugh. I sigh, in my heart without letting out the sound. I have tried so hard to act normal, to chill, but failed. I can't, around Peggie. She's Jack's older sister, which was also my senior. And I have a lot of respect for her. That was why I always had the idea of behaving around her. Don't want her to think that I'm overreact or anything. I just desperately want her to like me. But I know, I'm not being me. Everyone around the table seem to notice my awkwardness. Jack even BBM-ed me privately, asked me something that make me realize everyone noticed my weirdness. 
  "No, This is Seahorse! Okay, now what is this?" Again, Peggie repeated her finger description. The five fingers dancing like worms, but now that she made it clear that it was actually seahorse.
  "Fingers?" Black tried again. Looking clueless. Then Peggie turned into me.
  "Seahorses?" I tried. Half hoping and half believed that that was the exact answer.
  "No. Five seahorses!" Peggie popped out the answer. Which made me think, wasn't my answer was 90% correct.
  "Okay. If this is pear? What is this?" Black's turn. He pointed one finger straight, and then turned it the opposite way, pointed it backward, behind his head.
  "Disappear!" Jack yelled out the answer. And we laugh. That was kinda lame. Everyone could guess it correctly, but not me. Cause I'm too busy controlling myself. I was with my Blackberry, looking like an anti-social.
  "If this is, Disappear, then what is this?" Mia continued the game. Hiding her pointed index finger behind her head, and then pointed it straight the opposite way, to the front of her eyes. Pointing us.
  Everyone thinking. Desperate of wanting to correctly guess. I was pretending I'm thinking, but most of what I was actually think was 'how to chill around Peggie'.
  "Reappear!" Mia break the curiosity without giving anyone a chance to guess. Once again, we were laughing at the 'If-this-what-then-what-is-this' game. I had to admit, it was a good hilarious game even it was simple and really kiddo. I had fun. And I think, I would had more fun if I try to chill.
  "Nice one!" Supported Jack. Still laughing.
  We finished all the food left, its already night. We were there since 6.
  "Okay, where should we go next?" Asked Black on our way to the basement. To his car.
  "Laughing gas!" Jack suggested. It wasn't so much places to go in a small town like this. Especially during night.
  And everyone supported the idea. I thought it was a joke, like a randomize plan that wouldn't accomplish. But no, they were seriously searching for pharmacy. I had never try it. The laughing gas. But Jack and Mia had told me how the thing effects and how fun is the effect. So I guess, I just have to try. Since their stories sound so exciting.
  Black parked his car in a closed and dark lake park. No shop was opened and certainly no car was near us. No nothing, just us. Just us the bunch of people that was excited with the fun that we were about to have.
  Peggie go first. She sprayed the cramp spray, which is to them, to most extreme and fun teenagers, known as, laughing gas on a tissue. They said it was supposed to be sprayed on a cloth, but since there was no extra cloth with us, a tissue might work.
  She inhaled in the tissue hardly, waited for a while but it didn't work. Frustrated she exclaimed the failure.
  Black immediately went out of the car, as if being the hero of the night, save the can of RM22 cramp spray. He was scrolling through his car's bonnet to find a newly shirt that was still in a plastic.
  Mia quickly sprayed the cramp spray, or the laughing gas, and suddenly, cover my mouth with it. I was shocked. Don't know what to do. It was my first time. I never tried it. I don't know how the thing work.
  "Fool. She don't know. You just wasted the spray." Scolded Peggie. She took the cloth from me and tried to inhale it. But nothing effect. I guess the sprays were really precious. And I was very stupid of don't know how to inhale.
  "You have to inhale it not with nose, but with mouth." Explained Peggie.
  "One shot?" I asked, really want to know. Not because really want to try it. But because I don't want to look like a loser, again.
  "No. Take how many shots you want." Kindly answered Black, who was sitting at the driver sit.
  After few sprays, Peggie immediately inhaled in the cloth, once again. And threw the cloth to Mia. After a few seconds, she was laughing so hard all of a sudden. Like everything is funny, even no one was talking at the time. And Mia's turn. She did the same, and joined Peggie's laugh. They look so amused. They look so high. These scene, was frighten me a bit. No, not a bit. A lot bits. I was beginning to wonder what this thing is, what this thing would done to our health and thing. I was so naive. I didn't say I was good, I didn't say I was a perfect daughter. But I had never tried cigar, what more, drugs. I'm beginning to doubt. The two girls were still laughing like a kids. I asked the boys.
  "Is this drug? Is this thing addictive?" I think I sounded so lame. Not naive. But I was really afraid. I don't do drug. Mum's advice popped up my mind. I don't know what to do if this thing really is addictive. Like drugs. And affect our health.
  "No. Its not. Its just fun. Its totally not addictive. Just, when you're with this bunch of kids, you'll like wanna do it over again." Black explained to me. I try to chill.
  "So its like good memories la?" I asked, to sound chill. 
  They sprayed for me my first trial. And I quickly inhaled it. Inhaled with mouth just like what Peggie instructed. Nothing changed. I tried again. And again. Until my head started to spin, vibrate. Everything around me quickly blurred. And suddenly I was in this one room, too much light, I can't see a single thing. But that I felt was just my spinning and vibrating head. I think my head was about to explode. It felt really dizzy, of the spinning brain and lights. And then everything moved so slow. I thought I were laughing. Cause my mouth like open, but the tiny part of my mind that was still functioning think, if this thing is fun, why doesn't I know that I am laughing now. I felt nothing. After a while, my head stopped spinning. And eyes caught my views back. The first thing I asked.
  "Did I laugh?" I looked at Mia. Blurred, and really want to know what just happened to me.
  Everyone were staring at me. Not laughing. And with this, I suspected, something was wrong with me.
  "No. You just lay there, do nothing." 
  "I just, I just forgot the way how to laugh." I was disappointed. Not because I failed. But because I knew I had to try it once again. And I wasn't really wanna try it over again. Not a good experience, for me.
  "That was funny!" Peggie started to laught back and continued "Its okay. Its normal for first timer. Jack also didn't laugh the first time he tried. It takes you a while to process. Couple more practice, then you're fine."
  I sighed. I just, don't want to try it again. But not trying would have mean, admitting I'm a loser and lame.
  All of them, continued the game. I watched them laughing madly. Peggie was laughing like a child, Mia was covering her mouth and laugh, Jack putted his hand over his face and laugh until no sound came out, and Black was already laying to Jack's lap, laughing so hard. When Mia and Peggie's effect lasted, they sprayed for me. Didn't fed up to let me try.
  "Don't stop it from coming. Just, let loose. Just, laugh." Taught Mia.
  I remembered her advices. When the effect triggered my brain, it vibrating like before. I let out the laughter. First, I forced myself to laugh. And then I can't stopped it from coming out. I just laugh uncontrollably. I wasn't in that bright room anymore. I saw Jack and Black. And I remember I was laughing. But I didn't know why I was laughing, or what I was laughing about.
  The night, was fun.
  It thought my life was fun before this, but my thought wrong. This, is the real fun. I tried few more shots. But somehow, I still wondered and worried of its effect. I coaxed myself that it was nothing. And it worth trying. But still, I should google the health effect of this fun.
  And I realize, I want to make sure of this very seriously because of few people that is important to my life: my mum and my boyfriend.
  I don't want to lose myself to fun.
  Glad, I have love to cure it.

P/s: Laughing gas is made of Nitrous Oxide. It could be used as recreational use
and its not very harmful
just don't try it too often

Monday, May 14, 2012


Helpless. My hands were on this keyboard since past hour, trying to form sentence but nothing came out. My brain stopped functioning. All the ideas seem too lame, all the words seem so kindergarten. I try to think what's good to dream of, but its like almost everything in this world is not worth fighting and dreaming of. Failed.
I wrapped my hands around the mug, feeling the warmness of the coffee. So ironic to the cold fresh morning. The sky was clear, it wasn't at all distracted by anything. So discord with my messed up mind. I think its the effect of last night hang over. I still not over it. Not yet. Or never will. Truth is, I really don't think I can write anymore. My head was fogging with heavy smoke. The brain inside my head was spinning and numb at the same time. Torned between the desperation to achieve something and the inability to achieve anything. 

From my Facebook's note,
Oin Wauhidus

Turning my life into novel. An attempt

I KNOW! I got this one good idea of how to start writing back! Since my inability to dream and come out with  ideas and topics have been a part of me lately, I have abandoned this blog for quite a long time. Well, its not all about blogging, its about the ability to write back. I love writing, I love words, but now, my fantasy seems to blur with reality. Or is it because reality has been so much better than fantasy this lately?
Maybe yea.
So this is why I decide, to turn my life into novel. Maybe this could be a track to run, or a stage to rehears, or an exercise book to scrabble the ideas.
Here we go! Me as the main character, and people around me as the important-roles-that-effect-the-main-character-which-is-a-main-character-themselves!

Practice honesty in words,

Dream, never lose it.

We dream, 
but sometime, it's just too hard to stay on the cloud.
We lose hope,
but sometime, when we see other's smile of success, we tend to stand back.